I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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