I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
