There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
