What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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