1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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