remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
