Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
