was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
