How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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