nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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