Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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