I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
