You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
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TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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