My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
