HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My life is pants optional.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
