so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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