Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
