That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
