So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
