why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
