Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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