you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
