I'm pants shitting drunk right now
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Randomize
