Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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