Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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