Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
