the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
