I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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