I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
