Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
