So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
