she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
