Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
