guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
