I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
