The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
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If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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