i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
