Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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