Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
