yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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