hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
