I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
