so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Send help, water and tortillas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
