I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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