You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
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I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
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just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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