dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
