we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
