You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
