I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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