I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why did my mother make you get naked?