Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa