I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.