News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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