I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
