I'm gonna have a badass scar
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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