I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
