glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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