I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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