on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
